My Faith Journey

This is my first blog, and my first blog post. I don't exactly know what I'm doing. But I wanted a space to be able to explain what happened to my faith. 

I was born into a Mormon family. The church no longer likes using the nickname "Mormon" - it is officially The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - but I associated with that nickname my whole life, and I can't just slough it off just because the current prophet doesn't like it. So you'll see me referring to Mormons and Mormonism throughout. You know what I mean, I don't need correcting. There are some distinct differences in Mormonism from traditional Christian religions. In no way is this list exhaustive, but here are some main points.

1. Mormons consider the Mormon church the one true church on the face of the Earth
2. Mormons believe the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored through the prophet Joseph Smith in the early 1800s after he prayed in a grove of trees as a 14 year old boy to find out which church to join and God and Jesus appeared to him in answer to his prayer. 
3. Mormons believe Joseph Smith translated buried golden plates from reformed Egyptian into English which contain the dealings of God with the American Indians from about 600 BC until roughly the 400s AD. The plates were buried in a hillside near Joseph Smith's home in upstate New York and he was shown where to find them by an Angel of God and the tools to use in translation were buried with the plates. This is the Book of Mormon.
4. Mormons adhere to the "Word of Wisdom" which limits consumption of alcohol, tobacco, coffee or tea, among other things. 
5. Mormons believe in sacred (or secret) temple covenants which have the power to seal families together forever. As part of the temple ceremony, Mormons promise to wear special underwear from their neckline down to their knees. The only time you're allowed to remove it is for sex, sports, swimming or showers. 
6. Mormons used to practice polygamy as part of the temple sealings so that multiple women could be married to one man. This practice was abolished in 1890. Brigham Young famously had many wives. While Joseph Smith was only rumored to partake in polygamy, there was nothing taught officially about his practice. 
7. Until 1978, black people were not allowed to participate in temple sealings, and men were not permitted to hold the priesthood - the authority to act in the name of God (which was given to all males of non-African descent starting at age 12).

I grew up with all of these things being normal to me. There were lessons each Sunday to remind us of the church's history. We were taught how persecuted the early members were and were given object lessons to put us in their shoes, so to speak. Kids today even pack up handcarts and trek under grueling conditions wearing 19th century clothing to try to get a glimpse of the struggles early Pioneers went through. Our Hymns were centered around these topics as well. We were taught that people hated us because we had the truth, because Satan was working hard against us by poisoning the hearts of those not of our faith. We glorified Joseph Smith as a man of supreme integrity who was next to Jesus Christ himself in status, who was beyond reproach. He was martyred for bringing forth the Gospel of Jesus Christ, because people just didn't understand. 

Here are some things I didn't like much about the church history, but that I was able to put up on a shelf and just not think about. It was the way I dealt with anything that made me question my faith.

1. Polygamy - yes, I knew it existed, but I did not like it. I was annoyed that men could do it but not women. I was annoyed that if men were sealed to someone in the temple, but their marriage ended in divorce or death, that man could re-marry in the temple and in the eternities, they would still be practicing polygamy. I told myself that I'd worry about that then, and for now it was enough that I didn't have to participate in it. I even told myself on occasion that I sort of "got it" - it would be so helpful to have another woman around who could do some cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids and taking care of the sexual needs of the husband when I didn't feel like it. 
2. Racism - because I was still a small child when the 1978 policy allowed blacks to have the priesthood, I didn't get a real sense of racism in the church. I was faced with questions about it while I was on my mission in LA, but brushed off questions with pointing out that God chooses who has the priesthood. In the Bible, only the Levites had the priesthood. And there are stories that I used to tell from the Bible about people being punished when they tried to use authority they did not have, so I made it make sense to me as much as it could. But until a few years ago, there really weren't any black families in the church that I knew. And by looking at the General Authorities of the church you can really see how many old white men are in control. 
3. Joseph Smith's character - I remember stories about how he used to be a treasure hunter. I didn't know too many details, but I always felt a little off about his treasure hunting days. 
4. Speaking to God - The way I understood it, every prophet from Joseph Smith on down the line had the ability to communicate directly with God. I only know specific details about the first vision, but it was implied that all of the prophets and even some apostles had their own visitations in order to relay information needed by the general populace of the church. We were taught that the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants were all scripture. We were given continuing revelation through the articles written by the prophet in our church magazines, and in General Conference talks and that we should accept these things as scripture. This is a big deal to me. Because there are some issues that have come up in my life that have made me question how much of what is being said is from the agenda of the man vs. something directly from God. 
• For example, in 2015 a policy was given which said that children of a gay person cannot be baptized, even if one of the parents is an active member of the church. This deeply affected me. My kids were both baptized, so I tried not to let it bother me too much, but had they been baptism age, because their dad is gay they would have been affected by this policy. I was furious about this and needed a few weeks of a break when this came out, but ultimately came back and just put it on the shelf. 
• In 2019, the policy was reversed and now all kids of gay people were fine to be baptized. It doesn't matter what they said was behind the changes, this is a conflict. Was the 2015 policy from God? If not, how could He let that happen? If so, then is the 2019 policy wrong? These questions were huge conflicts for me and ultimately led to a larger break from church activity. I ultimately went back because a friend said I was needed in the choir. And I do love to sing. 

I dedicated so much of my life to the church. I served a mission for 18 months where I went full time proselytizing and converting people to the church. I was a good girl, obeying the Word of Wisdom and maintaining my purity throughout my life. I always wanted to do the right thing, and felt very strongly about integrity and honesty in everything I did. I wasn't the best at scripture study and certainly had room for improvement as a parent, but I did the best I knew how to do, given my circumstances. I served in many different callings, most of them in the Primary where I taught the children. I absolutely loved teaching the songs to children, and I loved serving in the church. It was my community. I love Mormon people. They are some of the most loving and giving people and for the most part are just trying to be the best humans they can be. If you are one, and if I know or knew you, I still love you and think the world of you. 

But I don't believe anymore. What took me down wasn't the 2015 or 2019 policies. It wasn't that I had my youngest child come out to me as transgender. It wasn't me being lazy or offended. It wasn't the fact that the pandemic brought about a bit of Sunday morning peace, or the fact that I would be attending church alone for the rest of my life. It wasn't even that I wanted to try coffee or alcohol. I wasn't influenced by non member friends or family members. So what was it? Why would I suddenly at almost 50 years old decide to quit the church altogether? Because it is simply not true. 

All of the things I thought I knew are no longer what I thought they were. I stumbled across some questions asked by a faithful person seeking answers from a CES Director. You can read his questions here. He does a great job of organizing his questions and linking sources. I understand this is not a scholarly source, but it is certainly enough to have me doing a little research. I have always been a skeptic of sorts. I typically never believe something just because I see it shared on Facebook or someone I respect says it. I check sources. So imagine my surprise when I see the sources in the letter to the CES Director are linking back to the church's own website. There are articles buried in the website that I didn't know existed before called "Gospel Topics Essays". These essays detail apologetic answers to many issues that have been brought up about church history, Joseph Smith, the translation of the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham and polygamy to name a few. It turns out the Book of Mormon is a 19th Century work, not ancient scripture. The witnesses never actually witnessed anything with their real eyes. The Book of Abraham source material was funeral text that didn't even mention Abraham. Joseph Smith made it all up. He was a con man and a liar. And he certainly practiced polygamy but not only that, he was a pedophile. He married a 14 year old child! He was caught by Emma having sex with their adopted 16 year old daughter, who became his first polygamous wife. He was persecuted not because of the church, but because of his dealings with underaged girls. He was jailed for destroying a printing press that was going to be used to out him for his polygamous activities, and was killed by the angry mob while he was awaiting trial. 

I was at first really shocked at what I was reading. It felt like a hot potato that I needed to drop. Because we have always been warned not to read anti-mormon literature, it almost felt like a betrayal, though I had no idea it was anti before I started, and I still don't think of it as that at all. Because most of it was on the church website I didn't really think it would be a problem. And I continued reading, and continued to feel crushed by my own testimony crumbling. After getting over the shock of what I was reading, my next reaction was anger. I was furious. I was mad at my parents for getting me into this religion in the first place. I was mad at myself for believing it all. I was mad at my church leaders, mad at the prophet and the white men who sit in Salt Lake City pretending to talk to God. When I finished reading it all I sat down with my kids and ranted for at least an hour about what I'd learned. I found myself yelling and fuming over the fact that I spread these lies to people my whole life. I indoctrinated children! I promised people on my mission that it was true. I perpetuated utter nonsense! I subjected my child to a church that would never accept him as he is and tried to encourage him to endure the hate so that he could make the changes from within. 

The crumbling of my faith in the Mormon church has led me to questioning everything. I don't claim any beliefs right now because I feel so betrayed. I'd say I'm leaning toward agnostic because at least that is honest about not knowing whether God exists or not. I want to believe in something, but I don't know if I ever will again. I believe in being good and in doing good to others. That's going to have to be enough for now. I know my Mormon friendships are probably mostly over, so I feel like I have lost an entire community. I miss singing. But I don't miss church. I will never be back. But if you feel like you can love me despite my unbelief, I invite you to reach out to me. I will try not to roll my eyes at you if you try to bear your testimony.